Since my first visit to the psychiatrist, I haven't felt any better. The alprazolam (Xanor) would work just fine in some cases but that's it, a temporary relief and once the effects wear off I'd be back to my usual self... More anxious most of the time and a little bit depressed too.
If I were to be honest with myself, I don't want to get any better. I am actually a bit scared of getting through this phase and becoming normal once again. I have no idea how to live my life that way anymore... But since I'm the kind of person who gets guilty at almost everything, I am pushing myself out of my dangerous comfort zone. So yeah. The strong want to get through this isn't for myself but for other people.
According to the doctor, everything starts with the lack of sleep. From there it could result to nervousness or anxiety. If one would not be careful, it would result to depression and later on a full-pledged insanity. On my second visit, the psychiatrist told me that I really am now on the depression stage and I have to go through this treatment that could last for around six months.
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| Antidepressant |
"Don't worry, you will not go insane."
That was what he told me inside his clinic. He even said that my current medication should start taking effect before my birthday. It's good, right? Well all I have to do is to try not to throw up once I have taken the medicine right after dinner and endure all of the side effects of the medicine. And since I really want to start getting better just so the people around me would stop having a hard time when dealing with me, I had to ditch a friend's birthday celebration. It probably is a good thing though since (according to the doctor) the cold and rainy weather adds to the sadness that a person feels. I really feel guilty though and the more I think of it, the more I get sad about my action.
The night before the visit to the psychiatrist, I told a friend of how I envy her for being able to consider her welfare first. Like what I have said, I am more likely to think more of what would be good for those that I know or care for than my own. And every time I try to think of myself first, I could feel this guilt that builds up with the passing days altogether with the memories that pushes me little by little to the road to insanity.
Luckily, I have not found myself throwing up or anything. Just this weird headache on the first night that lasted until the next morning, internal restlessness the following day, and a few minutes of having a hard time breathing a couple of hours after taking half a tablet. I guess I'll give an update once I tried taking the entire 50mg tablet or probably around my next visit on September.
Luckily, I have not found myself throwing up or anything. Just this weird headache on the first night that lasted until the next morning, internal restlessness the following day, and a few minutes of having a hard time breathing a couple of hours after taking half a tablet. I guess I'll give an update once I tried taking the entire 50mg tablet or probably around my next visit on September.
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